My pussy is not your playground.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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