There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
