I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
