i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just found puke in my bra..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
