Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
