she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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