So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
