i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
