i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
