Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
did you just send me my own nude
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
