LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
