So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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