I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
