I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
