I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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