Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
