Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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