Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
