nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
