We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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