Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
