I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
