Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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