I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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