hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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