apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
