I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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