i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
