You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My penis needs a shock collar
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
