You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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