I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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