proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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