i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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