you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
