true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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