Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
