Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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