I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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