At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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