I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
