i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
