THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
50% drunk capacity currently
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
