what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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