mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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