If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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