after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
