He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
