Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
