mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
