his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
