Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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