If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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