okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
