You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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