Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
